A lab analyst at the scrub takes me to a room. There is a clean washbasin in the corner of the room and there is a low leather chair facing a high-televised room on the walls of the room.
The room is functional and lifeless. In one hand, I take a plastic bag which has a top screw, in the second, there is a case where I record the time and whether it is in the whole sample cup.
Analyst starts giving instructions on them as a cabin staff on an airplane. He turned his hand towards the TV and told me that the selection of homosexuality was available.
He takes his second hand out of the room towards the bell and looks like the opening of glory, but it certainly is not the hole of glory. “Listen and see your sample there when you are finished, we will come and gather you.”
He went away and closed the door behind him
I flick through the rare and old selection on the TV. As I see sitting on the chair and on the skin, I feel confused and distraught with men and women who were sitting in front of me in this chair. I record the details – 12:45, yes – the safest model, Ern Bell.
I do all this to maintain my fertility. I started hormonal replacement therapy a few months ago knowing that the cost of this procedure is infertility. But I feel very uncertain: “How much time does X take?” Any question about going to the Reddit Starts with The abbreviation “YMMV” (distance may vary) can be completed without assistance.
The situation is not different from the reproductive capacity, so I do not know if I’m still fertile. Despite many warnings, I did not freeze the sperm before starting hormone replacement therapy.
Thinking about this mistake, the color comes out of my face now and it is stretched to my stomach. I may have to stop taking hormones to restore my reproductive capacity, which presents a very planned timeline. It triggers my nerves.
A few months ago, I insisted that I do not want children. I have described many reasons for not thinking: environmental, financial and emotional burden.
Think about how fast I am! Think about the amount of change in your life!
This is enough for children in my life – my sisters and friends – so why do I want my family? For me, these (and still) reassuring and valid reasons for refusing to have children were wrong, which are often wrongly paid in the form of the only means of attaining adulthood.
However, once I go into motion, these reasons seem to be more and more wrong.
This process of discovering the old facts hidden in the form of new facts has been a feature of the past few months. During my transition, I feel like a surgeon with a scalpel and a patient on the steel table.
I am gradually diagnosing, diagnosing and explaining stories before starting this journey. Some are strong, but others are collapsing. In this case, infertility has led to the evolution of an evangelical hole without children.
I felt inferior to infertility and lost my war due to the memories of friends and family, said that I would be a good parent who had pain in my deep existence.
I realized that, in fact, I wanted to have children but I myself disobeyed these desires in front of society – biology – which was telling me that I did not want to.
I have understood from my childhood that being gay means that it is difficult for me to have children.
Hoaks, the high cost of adoption and the option to work, together with the extra difficulties in finding a partner to share those burdens, made the rejection of the idea completely comfortable.
In the process of self-protection, I decided that I did not want that which I thought I could not get.
At the deepest level, I was also afraid of having children who would cause my grief for generations. For a long time, drift through the spirit of different life. Pleasure was not the status quo, it was only Ennui’s permission.
I suspected (probably irrational) because I inherited an incurable pain from my father and his father. Cruel pain and claws can dominate my family line. The ideas that I was able to bring in my children, created a situation of such terror.
It seemed impossible to grow anything that was sculpted by me or to develop anything that resides in my house. I was afraid that my children would feel sad, anxious and dishonest like me.
Selfish, I’m worried that their pain will get worse
However, I know that my move has now changed my point. I no longer filter my grief through a perceived genetic curse. I spend less time in “what if” and focus my fear on reality.
I know my love is not poisonous. I feel, and allow myself to feel happy regularly. When I review the results of my appointment and participate in the consultation, I feel that again I am fertile.