Unless I started walking, I did not want children

A lab analyst at the scrub takes me to a room. There is a clean washbasin in the corner of the room and there is a low leather chair facing a high-televised room on the walls of the room.

The room is functional and lifeless. In one hand, I take a plastic bag which has a top screw, in the second, there is a case where I record the time and whether it is in the whole sample cup.

Analyst starts giving instructions on them as a cabin staff on an airplane. He turned his hand towards the TV and told me that the selection of homosexuality was available.

He takes his second hand out of the room towards the bell and looks like the opening of glory, but it certainly is not the hole of glory. “Listen and see your sample there when you are finished, we will come and gather you.”

He went away and closed the door behind him

I flick through the rare and old selection on the TV. As I see sitting on the chair and on the skin, I feel confused and distraught with men and women who were sitting in front of me in this chair. I record the details – 12:45, yes – the safest model, Ern Bell.

I do all this to maintain my fertility. I started hormonal replacement therapy a few months ago knowing that the cost of this procedure is infertility. But I feel very uncertain: “How much time does X take?” Any question about going to the Reddit Starts with The abbreviation “YMMV” (distance may vary) can be completed without assistance.

The situation is not different from the reproductive capacity, so I do not know if I’m still fertile. Despite many warnings, I did not freeze the sperm before starting hormone replacement therapy.

Thinking about this mistake, the color comes out of my face now and it is stretched to my stomach. I may have to stop taking hormones to restore my reproductive capacity, which presents a very planned timeline. It triggers my nerves.

A few months ago, I insisted that I do not want children. I have described many reasons for not thinking: environmental, financial and emotional burden.

Think about how fast I am! Think about the amount of change in your life!

This is enough for children in my life – my sisters and friends – so why do I want my family? For me, these (and still) reassuring and valid reasons for refusing to have children were wrong, which are often wrongly paid in the form of the only means of attaining adulthood.

However, once I go into motion, these reasons seem to be more and more wrong.

This process of discovering the old facts hidden in the form of new facts has been a feature of the past few months. During my transition, I feel like a surgeon with a scalpel and a patient on the steel table.

I am gradually diagnosing, diagnosing and explaining stories before starting this journey. Some are strong, but others are collapsing. In this case, infertility has led to the evolution of an evangelical hole without children.

I felt inferior to infertility and lost my war due to the memories of friends and family, said that I would be a good parent who had pain in my deep existence.

I realized that, in fact, I wanted to have children but I myself disobeyed these desires in front of society – biology – which was telling me that I did not want to.

I have understood from my childhood that being gay means that it is difficult for me to have children.

Hoaks, the high cost of adoption and the option to work, together with the extra difficulties in finding a partner to share those burdens, made the rejection of the idea completely comfortable.

In the process of self-protection, I decided that I did not want that which I thought I could not get.

At the deepest level, I was also afraid of having children who would cause my grief for generations. For a long time, drift through the spirit of different life. Pleasure was not the status quo, it was only Ennui’s permission.

I suspected (probably irrational) because I inherited an incurable pain from my father and his father. Cruel pain and claws can dominate my family line. The ideas that I was able to bring in my children, created a situation of such terror.

It seemed impossible to grow anything that was sculpted by me or to develop anything that resides in my house. I was afraid that my children would feel sad, anxious and dishonest like me.

Selfish, I’m worried that their pain will get worse

However, I know that my move has now changed my point. I no longer filter my grief through a perceived genetic curse. I spend less time in “what if” and focus my fear on reality.

I know my love is not poisonous. I feel, and allow myself to feel happy regularly. When I review the results of my appointment and participate in the consultation, I feel that again I am fertile.


How Discuss my price

Like most women writing online in 2019, I also know about the inkles, a group of men (most of them) claim to be unable to find a sexual partner and therefore are essentially determined.

However, I did not expect to know with them – or closer. But one afternoon I received anonymous information, discussing my values with 150 credits on twitter.

Thread began in response to an article published now, which seems to have infected the nerve in the neuter community, or at least one of the certain types of men, who have sexual rights and who live in a strange corner of Reddit , As well as tomato, tomahoto too

Explore the article that provokes tension between romance and fertility, especially how women find themselves evaluating their romantic priorities because they reach the end of their reproductive years and in reality, Are forced to face Through dozens of times, women thank me for the expression of complexity, which is often ignored.

Meanwhile, a group of men decided that it was not about stress as much as I had the unrealistic expectations about a man I could descend on.

I will not link to threads for obvious reasons, but when I click it, I am warned that the discussion was “very startling and humiliating.”

The publication’s title was “A woman wonders why she can not find her husband” Being married and having children ”

The general feeling was that I put my look on the men who were very good for me and thus I failed myself.

What is contained in this approach is the assumption that there is an objective measurement by which individuals can be measured against each other, to be “very good” to me, I have a certain value beyond my companion .

This is not the way by which I or any person develops, in dealing with the partnership. What I see is not like me (or “better”) “good” person, but I have a connection with anyone – we are interested in the same things, laughing each other, and moving forward at free speed Are. Often is not good for the other person, and so on.

But incels have made a scale, a measurement “sexual market value”, or SMV for short duration.

SMV is the so-called objective measure of desire. A large part of this thread was dedicated to my discussion.

The essence is that I ask SMV for offering SMV low and asking for higher, and economics of attraction does not work just like that.

The attraction of the material was a major part of this account, and therefore was discussed with a dangerous degree (I stopped reading the second reference of “ugly femininity” where I used to associate the thread with my friends be admitted).

Apart from physical appearance, my age issue in this SMV account was the last problem.

A commentator said, “His biological clock is going to hit, but it’s too late, his SMV has collapsed.” It is clear that women with SMV reach their peak in the early 20’s, whereas men grow with age.

It is largely due to the idea that men traditionally value young people and beauty in a companion, while women traditionally appreciate the experience and the situation.

Men do not represent, nor represent, in this matter, the men I interact with daily.

It is futile to believe that the villain I was asking represents most of the public opinion of men, which are a lot of respectable people.

Still I can not help, but I can see the shadow of the daily dynamics of dating in their thinking.

The perception of these feelings – is often danced in the conversation, but rapidly resonant (both sexes) – clearly and shamelessly despicable, but it is also a kind of contentment.

The idea of a universal yardstick that is both humiliating and true to appreciate our dating world.

While a respectable and considerate person searches for a unique relationship that can not be measured on a global scale (my “10” is “five” for another person, for example), this more objective measurement is felt faster Online dating is everywhere, especially in the world which exists.

When someone’s age and image and nothing else appears, then our brain returns to such simple one-dimensional analysis, even if we have no other data to go to.

The idea that men are attracted to younger people, for example, is not limited to inciting it. Many of my male friends have a progressive history.

They claim that this is not superficial, it is just someone who is attracting it, but I am not sure that I have understood the difference. Similarly, my girlfriends and I, at least in any serious way, are followed by big men.

My most intimate relationship with men – the type of conversation that is endless and is familiar with one type of nature – they are always with men throughout my life, but these men rarely go forward in a relationship with someone with similar experience Growth is well-groomed, and demands.

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